A Punch In The Face . . .

So the Fed now must take the unprecedented step and buy up commercial paper directly in an effort to unblock the credit market freeze. Why are people so on edge? Don’t they remember what Richard Perle said from atop Isengard, not that long ago?

He sagely whispered in our collective ear back in 2003 that when we face more crises, we get better handling them. True, he also had the habit of shifting his meaning of “us”, “we” and “you” within a subordinate clause. But anyway.

Fast forward to today.

What an opportunity we have. The credit and financial markets literally hand us on a silver platter a chance to get even more plus double good crisis management skillz. Talk about leveling up! We’ll be the undisputed unipolar Level 40 Crisis Dealer. Imagine that? No one close. Those kind of mad skillz bonus points we can transfer to other games like Iranian Airstrike 2010.

An employee punching Lehman’s Fuld in the face on a work out machine doesn’t count as mad skillz. First, he got PWNED on a jogging machine. Second, the whole gym scenario conjures cheap ‘Lifetime’ channel video drama. Nemesis should not appear in a ARod wife beater and gym shorts. Finally, there isn’t even a Rather-esque ‘What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?’ hook for a good rock song.

So far our crisis game isn’t going so hot. We started the game as usual tossing the manual, figuring things out on the way. The friggin AI is pretty good. Even solo campaign mode we are getting out butts kicked. And the setting is “average”. But mad skillz are worth sticking it out. And the graphics are awesome ! We’ll unlock all the hidden stuff and then watch out Beijing. Someone tell that to Joe Nocera. We don’t need no pussy fanboys. Buck up, suck up, cowboy up or STFU. We’re on to the next Boss Battle.

Real men keep going with all nighters, bloated on Dominos pizza, Mountain Dew and Countdown repeats. Chris Matthews and his fantasy woman, Peggy Noonan, can both talk about their taste in men. La Noonan with her emotional bulimia always gets to the essence — real men do not think but stand as blank pillars for her own projections. (She is more honest than Tweety). But they’ll both admit the geeks win when they rip open their Portfolio Statements — if they would just get out of the way and bring more munchies.


OK, building up a Level 40 Crisis Dealer is a helluva lot harder than being a Hobbit trader in town. Carpal tunnel on the “A” button just to smack down a CNBC talking head with dragon breath. Finding and making more crises gets old fast. Maybe it is time to stop looking for crises. It’s probably more fun to be a gossip peddler outside town hall.

But then there’s this guy. A friend of a friend says that this guy has a signed Boba Fett 8″ full poseable *in the original* package. And he beat the game. I heard he was at Treasury.

Anyway, my friend received an Italian email guide from his friend at our embassy in Niger. It has a list of all the crises needed to become a Level 40 Crisis Dealer. It also says that only a Level 40 can beat the Natanz Necromongers and unlock all the Scarlett Johansson easter eggs. Suhweet.

And check this, dude. Those Europeans just turned on the game. And they can’t even give every a player a controller! N00bs . . .