Back Seat Driving In The Gaza Strip

I’m Not Saying We Wouldn’t Get Our Hair Mussed . . .

[Scene One — ‘Presidential Elect Suite’, Kahala Hotel & Resort, Hawaii]

[INT. HOTEL ROOM OVERLOOKING OCEAN, DARK — DAY — ESTABLISHING]

[BOY KING IN BATHING SUIT]

‘Let me be clear. And I’ve said this before. This electric failure is why we need my infrastructure program. My iPod just died. Wittgenstein summed it up when he said ‘The negation of the absolute is the essence of seeing the internal universal in all.”

[MICHELLE IN SUN DRESS]

‘Honey, please give it a rest? Wittgen whatever isn’t gonna charge my cell phone or your little iPod.’

[BOY KING]

‘Alright, how about this? Without the juice I ain’t got no muse! Without the flow, I just can’t go! We need the volt or we’ll have to bolt . . . We . . .

[MICHELLE]

‘I love you. Really. But face it, Honey. You don’t have it. That sounds like Anderson Cooper. Now Jesse, Jr., well he . . .


[KNOCKING]

[JIM JONES (muffled)]

‘Mr. President elect? May I enter? There’s a situation developing in Gaza . . . I have some emergency communications gear.’

[2 HOURS LATER, INT. HOTEL ROOM, GROUP HUDDLED OVER EMERGENCY NSA SPEAKER PHONE ON DINING TABLE]

[BOY KING]

‘So let me get this straight, Hillary. Rice told you that the Israelis intend to extinguish and annihilate Hamas without mercy? To erase them from the face of the earth?’

[HRC via SPEAKER PHONE]

‘Yes. She said it will be a war to the end. Their boys will give us a head start and deliver half a megaton of high explosives and there’s no stopping them now. They intend to preserve the purity of their bodily fluids. We’re still trying to figure out what that last part means.’

[BOY KING]

‘They’re off their rockers, that’s what it means.’

[HRC — talking in background on her end of conference call]

‘Well, I’d like to with hold judgment until all the facts are in.’

[DAVID AXELROD via SPEAKER PHONE]

‘Mr. President Elect, if I may? Don’t forget that you crushed McCain in the Palestinian-American vote. It wasn’t even close. Almost all of them.’

[BOY KING]

‘All? That’s impressive.’

[DAVID AXELROD]

‘Yes, sir. 937 out of 1,102.’

[BOY KING]

‘Districts?’

[DAVID AXELROD]

‘Uh, votes, sir.’

[RAHM EMMANUEL via SPEAKER PHONE]

‘Sir? Can I just ask that we stop fucking around and wasting our damn fucking time with this fucking nonsense? The key question before you, sir, is whether the United States government will receive their ambassador or not. All the rest is horse shit. So, are we fucking going to talk to him or not?’

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

[MICHELLE]

‘Honey, you’re the hope of change. Millions are behind us because you stand for a new future. A different kind of future. Don’t forget that.’

[BOY KING]

‘I will lead a path to a brighter future. And we must talk with our enemies. Without fear. So, thank you Rahm, yes, I have made my decision. We have one president at a time. But Hillary, you are authorized to return the call and set up a meeting.’

[HRC]

‘I will call the Ambassador from the Weekly Standard back right away . . . and find out exactly what ‘Next stop Syria means.’

Comments

  1. Comment says

    Mondale is funnier than Franken – we saw Mondale give a witty speech about Japan and his time there. He was not Presidential materia, but he really was witty that one time. We’ve met HHH’s grandson Buck H. a few times – He’s a good humored good guy too. Jesse Ventura was not without some virtues (Franken loathed him).

    Coleman made a big mistake in not figuring out a way to hype some of Franken’s mean spirited seeming anti Christian jokes. Coleman should have really played this up instead of his terrible pre-emptive ads against Franken. Coleman was in a good position to do this since he is himself not Christian, so it wouldn’t look like it was some sort of coded bigotry. Franken’s religious ‘humor’ would not have played well among polite people in Minn, no matter how secular – because it was loaded with contempt for his fellow citizens hearts and minds. You can’t hide contempt – That’s why Chip Saltsman can’t get away with singing Magic Negro . His contempt is too visible – Same with Franken making crude jokes about Nuns and dim Pastors in rural schools. There are certain people who can gt away with mocking others. It’s a rare gift because people can see they don’t have meanness in their hearts. Oh well – Coleman is a fool.

  2. Comment says

    Corruption in Illinois has had many unintended benefits – Gov. Ryan probably would not have had the balls to commute all those problematic death sentences had he not wanted to become a hero of sorts to some people when his ship was going down. Rezko gave us Obama and Obama will probably save us from some military conflicts that McCain would have started or prolonged. IMO – McCain would have been bad for the econonmy too – he doesn’t understand the economic value of many pork barrell projects and he had a history of rejecting good spending for his own state just to prevent some of his enemies from looking good. Just imagine McCain putting Scheunemanm and his posse in charge of Crimea and Russia/Georgia policy? Thank Rezko for saving us from that – plus OBama became more carefull about his asociates.
    Also – Chicago ‘made’ Fitz’s rep and then his Libby trial really messed with the neocons heads and get them to be the focus of unwanted publicity. Fitz going after Ryan and Dems gave him the creds.

  3. Comment says

    Poor Harry Reid &Co. sure were stupid to make those bold proclaimations against seaating Burris — It was obvious from the get go that Blago had the whole thing legit worked out and it was a clever as hell move to pick a solid black pol and get Bobby Rush (still pissed at Obama for running against him)

    The Dems just want Blago to go away, but he won’t and he shouldn’t. Fitz should have to prove his in front of a jury – which he probably will.

    Burris is obviously more qualified than Caroline Kennedy.

    Score one for Blago – he’s gonna make this painful.

  4. Dr Leo Strauss says

    It’s instructive to compare Franken’s awkward and painful stint on air with Rush. Rush, stem winders aside, is truly funny. His entire show is entertainment based on self deprecating irony. The ideology, however Rightist, is actually very much a supporting act. Sure, mouth breathers thrive on that. And many in his sporadic audience in their cars take much of the show at face value. But if one listens even for a short time and gets it, Rush is keenly aware his job is to entertain. It’s the humor that keeps the Arbitron ratings and $400 million or whatever.

    By contrast, Franken is incapable of true self deprecation and as you note his humor has a cruel, obvious and spiteful vindictiveness. His AA show was acidic ideology spewing out the radio. He is very much the antithesis of HHH’s happy warrior and the politics of joy coming from the Minnesota Democrat Farm Labor.

    One can only imagine his vitriolic reaction when Stewart and the kool kidz inevitably begin to skewer him. May that day come soon.

  5. Comment says

    Franken would have been funnier if he called Rush a fat idiot only after Rush has lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a few years. But calling someone like Rush fat when Rush was really really fat was not very clever – esp for a Harvard man. lol. It was like saying ‘the Chimperor is dumb and Cheney is evil.’ – In other words – a very limited laugh and only funny for a moment if contextualized perfectly. Otherwise it’s just ungracious and lacking in wit. David Frum may be a neocon, but he did a great putdown review of one of Franken’s books.

  6. says

    A few years back Franken was literally reduced to tears debating Iraq with (a subsequently gloating) Michael Medved. With adversaries like these who needs allies?
    Seems awfully soft for someone who titled a book “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot”; but then it’s more likely all part of a emotionally adolescent whole.

  7. DrLeoStrauss says

    Indeed. Franken has no inner monologue and as much as O’Really is prone to rants of near lunatic intensity. He may be Mitch McConnell’s secret weapon — a few subtle provocations (knowingly observed by the Permanent Jabbering Class) and Franken melts down on the Senate floor or even worse (by Washington standards) at the sacred grounds of an industry group fund raiser.

    He is a remarkably ungenerous soul by all accounts dating back to his writing days in the 1980s. The only redeeming step might be a winner take all mud wrestling match at the ‘National Visitor Center’ monstrosity. Harry Reid would even be spared the smell.

  8. Comment says

    OTOH – For oppositionist purposes, it would probably be better to have a weakened and resented Coleman in place creating all sorts of distrust and ill will in the Senate, while maintain Franken in an aggrieved outsider role – corralling Ivy league interns to piece togther talking points in favor or of ‘the workers’ or the old and sick.

    FRanken’s radio show as a painful listen (imo) – but he would often be good at compilling stuff against other politicians. As an would be insider – his marginal utility would seem to fade. Whatever – he’s not that funny. Yeah – as a comedian, he was often successfull tricking officials from small Bible colleges in the deep south into saying embarassinng things. But is that really so hard? Is it necessary? Is it funny? We doubt that.

  9. Anon says

    Franken is smart and politically adept – We’ll grant him that. But please tell everyone to stop saying he is or was ever funny or witty in a truly meaningful way. His SNL material was mostly banal and often annoying (and not in a good way). There seems to a be a MSM conspiracy to grant him the status of comedic artist, buy we have never met anyone in the comedy world who really thought he was funny. They might have read his books (written by committees of unpaid ivy league intern/researchers) for some quick anti Limbaugh talking points to blastfax somewhere, but did anyone ever read or watch his old material for authentic laughs like they do watching Monty Python or even a good ol’ sitcom like Sanford and son? We doubt that.
    On the other hand, Coleman is a tool and he was made a fool of by the utterly ridiculous MP George Galloway. Plus, the WSJ will soon commence and entertaining campaign to deligitimize Franken and mar his self-styled Paul Simon wannabee pursuit.

  10. DrLeoStrauss says

    Definitely hear that. Franken’s utility to the Opposition long since expired. One supposes that his ‘victory’ will make it easier for the eventual equine colleague. Even The Body would have been preferable as Coleman’s vanquisher.

  11. Anon says

    re lose/lose vs. win/win – we’re still not sure to be pleased or upset or both or neither by Franken’s apparent win.

  12. Comment says

    Leo – do you recall that war in Georgia over Ossetia? We hear that Georgia left nearly 70 fully loaded and upgraded m1a1 MBTs on the battlefield. Untouched and unscratched.

  13. says

    A la Muffley and Turgidsen’s exchange wherein the General suggests a first strike:

    President Boyking:
    Bahm, it is the avowed policy of this incoming administration not to strike first with criticism of the one administration at this time. Must await the coronation. We dare not break radio silence. Have you any idea the sort of chaos that might lead to?

    Bahm Tumescherrol:
    Well, Mr. President, I would say anonymous source has already invalidated that policy.
    [grunts, repeatedly slashing at the air with a wii device before a screen showing Nazis falling away in bloody heaps]

    President Boyking:
    That was not an act of hopeful change and there are still alternatives left open to us.

    Tumescherrol:
    Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the success of our administration. Now, the truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable post-crisis environments: one where you got two million Palestinians killed, a precipitous early–but not insurmountable–drop in our poll ratings, and the other where you’ve got a failed one term administration. You’ll be lucky to draw six figures on the lecture circuit. You’ll be cranking out unread books faster than they can fill the bargain bin with them. And you can forget all about that Obama fifty-cent piece.
    [Boyking looks up, frozen in terror, thumbs poised over his BlackBerry]

    President Boyking:
    You’re talking about mass electoral defeat for the Party in our first mid-terms, Bahm, not war.

    Tumescherrol:
    Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say… no more than ten to twenty seats lost, tops. Uh… depended on the breaks.

    President Boyking:
    I will not go down in history as the most failed president since Jimmy Carter!

    Tumescherrol:
    Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with the Special Relationship, than with your image in the history books.

  14. says

    ‘I love you. Really. But face it, Honey. You don’t have it. That sounds like Anderson Cooper. Now Jesse, Jr., well he . . .

    Il faut choisir son camp. Avez-vous la bande de Whitey?

  15. says

    Ach, what if our Grosse Kurfurstin Hillary were in charge? She would deal with these troublesome people so that the name of Germans would be feared a thousand years later!

    (I think we all know which people she would mean.)

    Meanwhile, 90 sleepers executed at the Commissariat of War. Carry on, Sergeant. Note the howling fimbulwinter of crazy in O’Beirne’s head:

    Mr. O’Beirne, who is among those dismissed, compared the ousted officials to the young special-forces captain fighting in the early days of the Afghan war high in the Hindu Kush mountains.

    The captain used his radio to state: “We have no food, and our water is almost gone. My Afghan soldiers have only 12 rounds left per man. … We are attacking, we are attacking!” “I encourage you to emulate the actions of that young hero in the 22 days of duty that remain to you at the Pentagon,” Mr. O’Beirne said in the Dec. 30 note.

    Perhaps he’s going to keep fighting east of the Elbe?

  16. Aldershot says

    It really helps if you pronounce it ‘Vittgenschtein’ in your head.

    Happy New Year, my babies!

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