The setting: President Obama flies without pre-conditions to meet the Presidents of Iran, Syria and Venezuela in Tehran. At Andrews Air Force Base, he declares the era of ‘Personal Engagement’ is upon us. (He is accompanied by his National Security Advisor Ivo Daalder and Obama’s Saban Center 33 year old tykes/NSC Staff; inexplicably, Joe Biden is still waiting to get picked up at the U.S. Capitol for the plane ride).
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: So President Obama, on behalf of the Iranian-Hezbollah-Syrian-Venezuelan Axis, we welcome you to Tehran.
President Obama My strong vision is to propose that we do this. But I am fully aware that I support the notions that we have to deal with the problem of, and make a bolder future, but I also know that it can’t be solved by the thinking of the past. Do you have a driver’s license?
Hugo Chavez Que?
AhmadinejadPresident Obama, in the name of peace, I ask you this question which stumped the IAEA. What is the most efficient way to sort a million 32-bit integers?
Obama Well, as a State Senator, I proposed that we enter direct negotiations with number sorting powers to create international bubble sorting standards and I edited three Comments at Harvard about this. I can definitely say my wife tells me the wrong way would be the “bubble sort method,” which is a basic but inefficient method for sorting numbers. As President, I promise that all peoples of the world, white people, brown people, yellow people, dirty people and all who yearn for people-hood will sort bubbles.
Assad [in Arabic] Hey you know, it’s not like he’s Kucinich, it took my scientists two years after water boarding to realize that . . .
Ahmadinejad [to Assad in Farsi -- Cut the Arabic, Tool, this is the dawn of the new Persian Empire. Kneel before Zod.]
Obama Today, my National Security Advisor Ivo Daalder presented each of you draft proposals for Treaties of Peace, Friendship, Broadband Connectivity and Symbology. If we can summon forth the hopes and aspirations of our peoples, and I know there are some who say this is not possible, but those are voices of the past. From the black asphalt of Interstate 95 to the high mounds of dirt out West, there is no incline we can not surmount. It is rapid eye movement that I have. That Terrorist Men, Thuggish Men, Insane Men, Naive Men, all can join together. It is rapid eye movement I have.
One day down in Tyre, with its Iranian rockets, with their SAM sites scanning using old Soviet frequency hopping spread spectrum; one day right down in Hertlizyah, little Ashkenazi boys and girls will be able to join hands with little Venezuelan boys and girls as sisters and brothers. And proclaim, we have free Hannah Montana tickets, free at last, thank God Almighty, we have free at last Hannah Montana tickets . . .
It is a rapid eye movement I have today . . . [intense stare].
Ahmadinejad and Assadيستغل لي (nek ni)
Chavez Que?, Que? No comprendo lo que ocurre.
(collectively — we miss Darth (sigh))
Sat AM Update:
n.b. We’ve read some of the emails and comments and re-configured the illustration above. The original item juxtaposed Obama’s wave form in the Box avec une jeune fille in Tehran purchasing Western fashion goods. There was an unfortunate (and unintended) possibility of a Harold Ford advertisement connotation from that collage. In this hyper charged environment everyone should be aware of how art can be misconstrued or genuinely perceived. We’ve tried to be sensitive to that here while still following our muse. We have to agree with the feedback here. It’s a shame because the original photo from Tehran caught a moment in time, a wonderful melange of a young woman’s excitement in exploring fashion while conceding only the slightest token nod to the Ayatollahs.
The new piece includes Hello Kitty so maybe it is all for the best, anyway.
As we noted before, we would be happy to consider Obama in some future time should he show true experience — beyond symbolism and a good Jefferson Dinner speech. In our opinion, these will be dark days for the Republic ahead and we don’t need someone else bringing a super soaker to a JDAM strike. We have plenty of those already [insert your favorite here].