What Was On The ‘Other’ Teleprompter

Yo, I am so honored to be in the timeless city of Cairo. Let me tell you, folks, you really kick Cairo, Georgia — do you know those guys put their Sphinx outside a used lawn mower dealer? For real. When Rahm and I saw yours, for the first time we said the exact same thing. And I so get Hamilton Jordan now.

Standing here in Egypt, let me just say that Planet Earth DVD does not do you justice. Even in Blu Ray. How exciting to realize that for thousands of years, real, breathing Muslim-like people, with nothing but sand and thousands of years of their own imperialism, have been studying and learning. And creating green, well-paying jobs. All without 1-800- ITT Technical Institute.

You also had a library around here somewhere. They say it rocked until some punks burned it down. The American people support you in your loss. We too have the same problem on Halloween. I have asked the State Department to create a computerized library registration program for Egypt in 2009 to help protect your records for the future. I am also proud to carry with me the goodwill of the 23% American people who know where your Cairo is. As they say in Detroit : assalaamu alaykum.

As A Gesture Of Respect I Also Saved The Escalade Because Of Our Shared Value: Bling


We Meet At A New Moment

We meet at a time when 1.8 billion of you are pissed off at 300 million Americans. You’re growing fast with alot of young people. For centuries you helped the West rise from barbarism. We then had a good couple of hundred years there, too, kicking it. So here we are.

But we must face facts. We’re broke. This latest global war on terrorism? Your Hymen Al-Zawakiribernste (fades to mumble) really called it. Gotta fess up. My predecessor, his Sith Lord Vice President, and of all people, the Neocons — the Neocons! They all bought this war from you at retail. Didn’t haggle for any bulk order discounts, on site service contracts, or even threaten to walk away. Not once. Plus, they were so dumb they bought the extended service plan from everyone on everything. And didn’t keep the receipts! EPIC FAIL, as the kids say.

So I am here to tell you what you already know: Americans can’t negotiate shit. Not even at Costco. I brought all my negotiators here with me to learn they don’t need to buy the high definition tv color correction service from either Muslims *or* Israelis. And that “Sonny” is *not* the same inside as “Sony” with bargain name.

The World Is One Big Ball

One of our Jewish comedians who bats around .210, Bill Maher, learned we Americans can’t accept it took some cajones to fly airplanes into buildings. Cajones I learned on one of my first trips outside the U.S. means testicles, usually in the idiom of Latin culture testicles of enormous girth, high tensile strength and the potential for maximum biologic function. So let us end the debate now: you Muslims have testicles, except for your women and certain other statistical anomalies.

I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon our bankruptcy, ineptitude and your all too obvious inability to get it all together, too. As I said, we are broke. We’re closing down Gitmo. We’re also closing down Michigan, Ohio, Indiana and may put California on eBay.

Retreat Under The Cover Of Dialogue

We’re leaving Iraq. We have learned from you in this. Like Saddam in 1991 we are declaring ourselves the winner. We’ll slink out — so hold on to the 1960s de-colonization party kits. To ensure the retreat of American power is masked with the word “Dialogue”, I am announcing it today live to billions watching on TV. This guarantees it will be ‘old news’ in three days. And forgotten in ten.

It’s your Iraq. Don’t be a hater. Billions wasted in reconstruction already reside in your own private bank accounts. Those 1950 Soviet weapons you sold the insurgents. You had a good return. Now, it’s true we screwed up Iraq, and effectively made it a part of a greater Persian imperial expansion. Here’s a free hint from our strategic experts: let the Persians come, trick them. Then get 300 really tough guys to block these things called gate cliff, uh, things. And watch for midget mutant traitors. Because we’re bugging out of there, too. For street cred it’ll take another five years after Iraq before we blow that joint.

Afghanistan? At last count, we discovered 294 different tribes who hate each other, Arabs and Whitey. Now, that’s not too different from South Side Chicago, let me tell you. I’ve been oppressed by The Man, too, as you may know. For years I was Barry Obama and quite popular. But my early focus groups freshman year in college revealed people believed I was some recurring guest star on ‘The Mod Squad’ TV show. So because of The Man, I was forced to change my name to Barack. And look who’s president now? Do any of you, any of the 1.5 billion listening, picture President Barry Obama with an afro do? Especially after steroids in the news? So I am living proof that defying The Man pays off. As they say in Naruto – “BELIEIVE IT !!!”

We’re gone from Afghanistan, too. That’ll take longer. Americans still like the idea of blowing things up there. I also can’t pull out of both at the same time without exposing our plan for talking to cover bankrupt retreat. But we can’t afford that war, either, even on modified terms. Beijing will be telling me what to do about it all in a few years anyway.

For Al Qaeda, it’s a little whack if you ask me. This whole killing of all the other Muslims so they can then create this Caliphate? There, we must take a stand. And so should you. Just look at the Republican Party in the United States. Every day they shoot another one of their own for treason, for moderation, for rationality, for independent thinking. Every day other innocents get blown up by crazed talk show hosts and suicide former Senate stafffers driving bombs into intelligent discourse.

{PAUSE — THEN VERY LOUD WITH FREDDIE MERCURY ARM MOVEMENTS}

Sooooo, you want Dick Cheney telling you what to doooo ????

“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo”

I SAID, do you want DICK CHENEY telling YOU what to do??????????

“NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Give it to me one more time !!!!!!!!

“NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

{PAUSE – Waves to surging masses (a few ‘we’re ready, Freddie!’ in the audio)}

So Al Qaeda is your Dick Cheney. And for both of us this is one time it’s good to be er, dickless.

We Must Find Our Inner Mensches

Finally, let’s talk about the mess the British left all of us in the Middle East. Here’s the deal for Bibbi, Likud and the Right. America really is broke. We are leaving. The Master Plan of using us to humiliate Muslims for you to grab settlements here and there in places I won’t even bother learning to pronounce is over. Just like the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact was an immoral signal for war, the Likud-Cheney Pact of Steel is over. I have directed the FBI to once again place Israel in the Counter-Intelligence threat matrix with the Chinese and Russians. Previous OVP and other CI investigations are being restarted. 47th Street Photo will no longer sell AMRAAM missiles and prohibited range extenders for F-15Es.

The Muslim world knows how powerful AIPAC and assorted groups are in U.S. politics. Like me, they want a safe and secure Israel at peace with itself and world. But they bet on the Sith before. They are discredited and helped destroy the United States. They’ll have to make their warmonger arguments now in my Democrat party.

Palestinians, look, let’s also be mensches. You’ve been screwed. By everybody. The Arabs use you to distract their own people from their bleak lives. Others paid you to blow yourselves up. Even your own families screw you. The West Bank and Gaza are French for “I am sitting in a vat of ‘I’m so screwed’.” And the UN is worse than my own Congress. So while America is broke, even in our New Poverty, we still have the comparative means to help you be treated as human beings, with human rights, dignity and reason to hope and love. You know, the kinds of things the Israelis correctly – albeit constantly – remind everyone were stolen from them by that Austrian.

By necessity dialogue is designed to be empty and for show. Lebanon will be a major showcase in that regard.

But we can actually work towards a Two State solution with tangible results on our budget. One that provides for Israel’s legitimate security and Palestinian opportunity, dignity and hope. As for the rest? Iraq? Persians on the march? Afghanistan and Pakistan imploding? In the words of a famous American War Criminal from another time, all I’m asking for is a ‘decent interval.’

Let me be clear. We’ve got alot of work to do. Together. Just remember – NO ONE sending back an extended service plan expense report on anything will get it approved.

Comments

  1. Comment says

    Fox has a better psychological game going than msnbc – the latter is unsure of itself – often the mistake being un-pc with being rude and that undercuts their potential as liberal network. Fox, on the other hand, exploits the fraught psychology of the right – contradictory, reactionary, agitated, good cop bad cop, etc.

  2. DrLeoStrauss says

    As an aside, when first posted, a copy was forwarded to a friend fairly senior in the Fox News complex. We’re social friends so the request was made to call in a favor and get this posted on the Fox Nation website. (This friend has the juice).

    Not surprisingly, the response was a polite this isn’t quite Fox Nation material. The mutual joke being we both knew it before it was even sent and both knew that was point. I have hopes of my friend realizing that Palpatine is the Sith Lord he’s been fighting against. He did reply over dinner the other day, “If you only knew the power of Job Security with the Dark Side.”

    We can sympathize. His defection is no longer even symbolically valuable to those progressive-environment-loving Yes We Can Jedis. As it would have under the Warlord’s reign. Timing is everything. So he might enjoy a clear conscience but one can’t eat or support a family on principle. As media implodes brand and brand promotion assumes overwhelming importance.

    Perhaps he could stay with the Dark Side and simply step in when Franco, uh, Pat, passes the scene at MSNBC. It would be a huge step up intellectually for MSNBC but actually, they’re not ready for a vibrant, intellectually agile Dark Side conservative. As meme warriors go, almost the entire MSNBC lineup are still padawans compared to the Movement.

  3. Desargues says

    Wasn’t one of the punks who destroyed the big-ass repository of wisdom and cognition at Alexandria in 641 a very early Muslim leader — Omar?

    As an immortal Argentine had him muse, apocryphally:

    “Unceasing human work gave birth to this
    Infinity of books. If of them all
    Not even one remained, man would again
    Beget each page and every line,
    Each work and every love of Hercules,
    And every teaching of every manuscript.”

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