[INT. OVAL OFFICE, LATE EVENING]
[PRESIDENT OBAMA, STRETCHING BACK]
Rahm, quite a day, we did precisely what we promised to do.
[RAHM EMANUEL]
Yes, Sir. You’ve kept your word. Ethics reform’ll poll sky high. Staff pay freeze, too. Cut McConnell’s balls off there. We’ll drop the torture ban before the Sunday shows. Draft Gitmo closing order leaked to the NYT next week. Petraeus will leak the military briefing anyway . . .
[PRESIDENT]
Good. See to it. All that campaigning, recycled Lincoln stuff . . . completely worth it. Even Biden. By the way, get the Secret Service — double Jill’s daily breakfast sedatives. Two for the price of one (shakes head).
Later. Off for Sports Center then Michelle and the kids.
What’s the black folder? No more work tonight, Rahm.
[EMANUEL]
Yes, Sir. It’s my job. A critical situation. The “Old Yeller Scenario.”
[PRESIDENT, FLIPPING THROUGH BRIEFING FOLDER]
You telling me this now? Get real. I’m outta here.
[EMANUEL]
Escalating provocations, Sir. Violent language and action, including throwing objects on television. The Secret Service evaluations agree. We must remove the threat before it’s too late.
[PRESIDENT]
Oh come on, Rahm. That’s just Bush speak. Them attacking me gives me cred. Only the Washington Post believes our Graham and McCain puppet dance anymore. I need them for cover.
[EMANUEL NOW WALKING AROUND DESK]
Yes, Sir. But usefulness is over. They call for Continuing Revolution and criminal enforcement of the law. Even the United Nations acting if you don’t. We need the Establishment to govern. Their Continuing Revolution is too radical! They threaten our Status Quo with Change with real change.
If this buzzkill isn’t stopped now, our next warning may come in the shape of another Special Comment . . . The American people may not forgive us. Just think, Sir, all of your agenda, free Crayola 64 packs to elementary children, all of it. Gone. The White House hoops court . . .
Our ‘Special Representative’ is in position. I just need your go ahead.
[PRESIDENT]
Rahm, I’m not recording us so cut the bullshit. You’re asking to firebomb MSNBC. Old comrades from the early caucus days of struggle. Say it. To stop MSNBC’s radical agenda you want me to risk national treasures such as . . . well, Amy Robach and Tamron Hall.
Although Lorne Michaels . . . maybe who cares there . . . (long pause). Besides, he botched it before!
[EMANUEL]
Sir, the ‘Special Representative’ guarantees earlier mistakes won’t happen. His devotion to the Chief Executive is total. I mean it’s, it’s well kinda scary.
Now, no worries. No compensation was ever discussed. We’re clean. NO quid pro quo. Miss January from his ‘Stacked N’ Packed’ calendar on a blog mentions she likes shopping. So maybe ambassador somewhere. Hillary will have to deal.
[PRESIDENT CLOSES FOLDER, BEGINS TO LEAVE SEAT]
I’m tired. Enough. We haven’t thought this through.
[EMANUEL LEANING OVER PRESIDENT, SHOVING HIS COPY ONTO DESK]
Look at Annex II, Sir. See the charts? Preliminary focus group testing of similar incendiary events of major institutions. Incredible response across the board. Especially among women owning puppies who recycle and all males 5-64 who like explosions.
Here’s the best. Our ‘Special Representative’ has choice Vitter campaign items to plant. Even some Grover Norquist ATR pamphlets.
It’s a slam dunk. Hell, Pelosi will shut up.
[PRESIDENT]
Pelosi? Hmmm. Still seems disproportionate to shield the American people from another Special Comment. Rahm, they’re tougher than that. What do Blair, Jones and Panetta say?
[EMANUEL]
Pussies, Sir. No need to talk to them.
[PRESIDENT GLANCING AGAIN AT ANNEX II]
Look, I know we talked about this in Denver. We were wasted watching ‘Space Jam’. At least show this to Axelrod. And tell me again, what are the assurances about loose ends? This ‘Special Representative’ — you sure he still got game? How old is he again?
[EMANUEL]
All he said, Sir, was he will stand on any street corner we designate . . .
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