Apple

The Declaration Of Independence Written With Today’s Mentality

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to execute this END-USER LICENSE AGREEMENT WITH {subjects, citizens *customers*} for the decent respect of Delaware Chancery Court precedent:

We hold these truths to be self evident and IMPORTANT. PLEASE READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THIS AGREEMENT CAREFULLY BEFORE CONTINUING WITH THIS DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE (“The DECLARATION”). The Continental Congress’ End-User License Agreement (“EULA”) is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or a single entity) and the Continental Congress.

Use of the Continental Congress’ DECLARATION incorporates by reference any associated product(s) including written components, media, pamphlets and pictographic or printed materials, or other information encoded in binary form for copying, storage and distribution by any other means, physical or otherwise from or to Chinese devices. By reading, copying, or otherwise using the DECLARATION, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA.

This EULA represents the entire agreement concerning the ‘revolution’ product and related marketing materials between you and the Continental Congress (also referred to as “Licensor”). The EULA supersedes any prior proposal, representation, or understanding between the parties. If you do not agree to the terms of this EULA, do not read, copy or talk about the DECLARATION.


The DECLARATION is protected by all applicable copyright and intellectual property laws and international copyright and intellectual property treaties. The DECLARATION is licensed, not sold.

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A Day In The Life Of Covert Technical Support

[Phone rings]

[Man in cubicle, late 20s, wearing headset, playing FarmVille on computer under heavy florescent lighting]

Служба Внешней Разведки! Меня зовут Иван! Thank you for calling Directorate OT customer support. Your call is very important to us. How may I assist you today? This call definitely will be monitored for satisfaction.

[Female voice, exasperated]: You have to help me, no one at Directorate S has a clue about iPhones and Macs.

[Ivan]: Oh, uh, wow Directorate S! You know, procedure? You aren’t even supposed to be calling here? You’re an illegal.

[Female voice, sharp]: Well, I’m calling, aren’t I?

[Ivan] OK, OK. It’s just S . . . they’re touchy. You’re breaking cover and all. Is it true? I mean, the good life, yeah? All those Red Bull and vodka parties. Pay per view? I guess I can do some tech support, but if I help you out, how about you do the same? Put in a word for me? I look Belgian. Everyone says so.

[Female voice, heavy sigh]:

[Ivan]: First off, to open your account, may I ask your legend’s name and date of birth, please? (muttering under breath, ‘I am soo getting fired for this’).

[Female voice]: Anna. Anna Chapman, 1982, OK? Look, I can’t get my Mac to synchronize for my scheduled meetings. Something stopped working. We use an ad hoc encrypted drive-by wireless data transfer with the contact’s van. And I have all this huge, huge news on Facebook’s privacy policies . . .

[Ivan]: May I call you Anna? Your problem involves your van’s broken wireless network. OK, now I just need to verify your your account status. “I think we may have met before in Kharkov last June.”

[Anna]: What? I would never go to Kharkov in a million years. Help with this Mac now. Or do I need to ask for a supervisor?

[Ivan]: Thank you, Anna, that was the correct response. I can enter your general account now. One moment, please. I don’t have access to all your Directorate S accounts – their security is good. But I know some work arounds . . . [keys clacking].

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re iPhone 4 – NSFW (Unless People Have A Sense Of Humor) (revised)

Crude and even a bit juvenile, granted. Some underlying truth, too. Brand trumps technical arcana. We drown in a simulacra of Brands. And by the power of Grayskull, that’s one awesome brand.

The website at the end might be worth a peek. This clip’s authors used that site’s pre-made templates. All they did was type in the dialogue they wanted. The vocal translator seems to be the same engine that AT&T Labs released as a partial freebie to the general public years ago. It’s got limits. So if you start to make your own movie – and why not have fun? – expect to have to tailor your text a bit to overcome the vocalizer’s limitations.